i've bin thinking alot lately and i'm planning to save to leave. it would be nice to have a guy but i'm afraid that i can't love or appreciate anymore. lately with all the relationship, there isn't a spark. i'm thankful that i have flings becuase i really don't want a relationship. at this point i want the truth to be told. with my last boyfriend, i realized that i don't want another reason to spend money and another person looking over my shoulder for the things i do in life. i have 4 best friends and the flings, and that's all i need. to be honest i met gab. i know he is a good guy at heart so that's how i know he will come around once again. poor guy too. seems to me he is a little disconnected with life but if he feels victimized, i don't blame him. there is alot in this place to make you think that. i do wish that at the very least, he enjoyed it when i was around. would also like a little intake of what he thinks. would consider it but not think too much about it. then there is the new two other then that major kenny. there is car guy and then dd but i know for a fact it can't be either of them that i want or need. both sweet in their own way... both a little fucked up but i know that they are sweet none the less. fuckin kenny though. he fucked up my perspective of guys all together. i've learned to be scared and paranoid of guys because of him. he blew my world by looks, conversations... deep conversations btw, and that piercing definetly put the numbers over the roof. he doesn't have the piercing anymore though... too bad. liked him better that way and that new persona of a frat boy doesn't enter my mind as appealing but i hate to be the one to control a persons life. i rather just spectate from a far. i want to know that he is doing good and is happy. would like to talk to him but we always end up in the same place doing the same sin. it will never go well with him. it would be fun but chaos none the less. i wish i have an occasional lover. the type of love that i can see once a week and know that when i see him it will consist of all day of just deep conversation under the stars. i wish every day would be under the stars rather then just another day but what can you do. not point in dwelling. life is always moving ahead with new obstacles to cross your path. why make everything sound the same and have the same events everyone else goes through. rather then trying to establish your name someplace forgotten, live a life that will always be remembered. the true path is always going to be the one you take so why not making it your own rather then letting it go all together. i wish i can find someone that will enjoy talking to me and not have to climb over me every step of the way. is that even possible? time will tell... but the thought is lovely, doncha think?

[you may think that i have alot going on. alot of people tells me that i'm hot that hearing it as a first impression from a guy, doesn't impress me all that much. take the other day for instince. i knew this guy since high school, i freakin lived with him for a good half of a year, i always thought of him as the perfect happy ending to my story. but living with him was harsh. not only that, but half a year later. he returns in my life just telling me what already know. i'm cute. undoubtfully, a have to speculate the worst from this comment. i see us playing that roll again. i see me wasting time only for me to be crushed in the end. he cleverly asked me, that our relationship will be exactly how [i] want. it feels almost needed to ask him, sarcasticly of course,"so what? are you willing to spend the rest of this time friends so i can get to know you, let me flatter you a bit with all that i can offer, and have you kneeling to me towards the end of this game, from the maximum that both of us can endure, and ask me to be with you and only you?" had a asked that the reply would've possibly be that old fashioned maybe or the straight forward no... which from the years i've known him, that straight forward answer, in what i've always bin wanting him to answer me as... will never come must there be a maybe? i'm sick, i'm sick of guessing but at the same time, the ride has so many hard turns that its hard to put a stop to it. you know, i rather hear him say, through his heart, what [he] wants is that. rather then making me his baxter choice. don't i desrve bliss in this lifetime or am i destined to continously make way for what [i] want? if you don't want me. you should let me know undoubtfully. if your not sure. you prolly shouldn't let me know that after all these years, your still debating about myself. you know my answer and you've seen that i can't hurt you. but i feel just less of a woman... just for not knowing.]

[bin working alot lately. still i have kenneth cole and victoria's secret, which is cool, still will start after i quit victoria's secret for being there for a year. plus my government check will be cming next month. so let's see... next week, after i get paid at kenneth cole, i'll pay off my cell phone bill and get a bus pass for june, i'll save the rest and during june. use the pass only without spending my money... and by july (also including the $500 mum's giving me... w/e, it will be enough for me to get that freaking laptop that i wanted. yay. plus in july, i'll drop VS and start classes in miami dade in november. at the meantime, have a chance to save and be with my boyfriend and determine later on if i really want to live with him starting december. i have to also consider, where and how mch but thatd kewl. i think... i'm good]

[i work 2 jobs, one at kenneth cole in aventura and the other in bayside for victoria's secret. i never saved before in my life and i'm planning to get an alienwear... and i doubt that i'll actually achieve getting it, i have a thought to quit smoking and i have yet to pursue it. i have a thought about how i like to look, how i should be in school, and i want my love to be like... and i never seem to get it. i live in reality were i know where i stand. i live in fantasy only with dreams and wishes. i smile. not because i have to, not because its a default part of my brain, but in hopes that my attractions can come close. to be honest, i feel like shXt. i'm 20 and i don't have a boyfriend, i dont have a soon to be hubby, i didn't find a stable happiness, i am not making any change for my future, and its because of this i feel useless. i want to fly, i want freedom but i just want someone to be there... to look back at me and enjoy with me and i want that person to be there with me. i know... i may be negative, i may forget to remember the simplicity but i just want a ground and i feel like i've bin working for this ground for way too long. ever since i can remember, i was always walking on thin wire. i've always did something unforgivable to the point were i pay for it alot more then i should've have. i don't like talking about my mind cuz i dont like it when i say things to contrudict what really is. i wish that there was just someone out there that can just understand me. i wish...]

[ok. so when i was living at kennys place it was hell i have to say. when it came to him gestering ownership with the same accountability of a pimp, with a harsh comeback for whenever he comes to the place - it needs to be found spotless, and making me act like its all good by making me act like nothing like that was happening... it was hell. but besides that, he let me stay for a month. at first i was struggling eating nothing but sandwiches and cranberry juice for days. no friends. no boyfriend at that time. but i delt with it, being by myself, easily. i didnt have tv, music, or internet but it still felt good to shower, sleep, clean, and groom myself, with occasional phone calls with no one to tell me how to think or what to say in my off waking days. pretty damn good actually. it took stress out when i told friends that they couldve crashed at my place when the only one accountable to the know abouts was me and that person. yeah, it was so good that i even spent new years with my neighbor and new co-worker drink tequila with me to celebrate. it was better when i was dating nny, and for the first time in my life, spent alot of time with him and was so stress free from the way i was living. soon enough though, my month was over and im ack to living with my mum again, even to this day. this is how my day went. no more boyfriend. work didnt need me today. no friends didnt want to either. woke up but everyone ate breakfast but me. toilets broken as everything over here always is. couldt take a shower because i was waiting for my turn. went out to the park and a mall but this time i didnt have a quarter to buy a freaking coke that was $1.54. since i just figured it out by the cash register, i asked for help for it. went shopping. my mum, who said that she will get me a fan, finally got it but told me that i had to pay her back. when we went to burger king... she even insisted on making my buy my food. come home after shopping all day and she comfronts me. she says, i cant pay for anything. i cant keep a boyfriend cuz im not stable. i embarrass mysself cuz i couldnt pay for the soda. acted uneasy... but thats because i couldnt pay for anything, i have a bad job, and i dont go to school. i really wish i was living by myself now.

[first off... i lived in kens place. i mean for a guy that wanted a threesome then left me for a month alone sounded alot better then the bitch of a life at home. honestly i wnted just somone to know what i is to live at home. my mums place is fuckin toprcher. thinking about t makes me cringe. i dont have music, no tv, no movies, no games, no laptop. she has taken everything like that away from me and had no effort in helping me out further. i cant make a sale so im expecting only 300 a month from kenneth cole and not even enough to cover for bus change at victorias secret. out of that. i pay 81 routinely for bus and 84 for my phone. plus food and ciggerettes led my saving down to fucking nothing. ok, my money isseus suck. not only that but my mum wants me to pay her more then a hundred. i wanted a laptop and when she promised to pay half for it... when she heared that i wanted to get an alienwear she told me she was willing to pay 300 tops. i mean, my fucking god! really! ok. changing out of that. i spend most of my time, working, sleping, and talking, i have two jobs so i barely find time for mysel. my mum treats me like shit at home by cooking for her and my little brother, and forgetting about me all together. she buys him clothes and she buys him the computer but with me she left me nothing. she doesnt even come close to helping me out. she mocked me when danny dumped me when she stated, serves him right. when nny was my singled out true love. nny claims all this bullshit but isnt going behind it. so im alone when it comes to love, company, and support. im going crazy. i feel like a caged jaiol bird at this point with one course i can do is live. fun is out of question

[today i'm taking a time off from my usual day] [people can be such a bliss and such a burden at the same time] [assuming yourself in my social reality, i got so many people trying to assume their way to my mind] [fuck mind reading assholes] [fuck this equalibrium bullshit that they sooo try to involve me into] [stupid bitches, life is unpredictable] [don't you dare complicate my life with your beckoning mind in content thinking that its for the good] [because what you don't know you assholes, i'm content with the way of the way i think] [i'm content with the way i want to go with my complications] [i get it] [you fear the worst for me] [i lived my fun and clowning around] [have yet master the art of self expression but that's because of a major lack of material, mostly by budget] [i'm poor financially and i know that i can't get all the shXt tht's out there for me but atleast i know what makes me giggle] [i can't stand to be in the center all the time] [i'm not a masterpiece... i'm ordinary crum] [stop looking at me as if i should be on a pedistal] [i can't stand anymore of this drama] [of people drama] [she wants to be with him but he doesn't want to b with her] [then fucking drop it!!!! forget the stupid son of a bitch!!!] [they are addicted to drugs...] [yeah?! then why the fuck won't you do anything about it?!]  [ if you want to be the bum slaying junkie on the side of the street, that's also all up to you!!!] [i don't want a word in this anymore!!!] [i had it!] [i say the same shXT over and over again for you to repeat your fault?!] [you know... FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME WASTE MY BREATH] [ i stated what i know and what i wanted to be stated] [bin always doing that] [if for some reason my attention of doing so is more attractive then if you were to do it, that's all you!] don't tell me that shit] [i'm out] [dale]

[i woke up]

[ate sushi]

[and now imma play FF]

[good bye]